Laughter is the Best Medicine, Part 24

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  • #23805
    Jan Sadler
    Keymaster

    Lots more new jokes here please! Here’s a one-liner to start you off:

    My friend told me he was going to a fancy dress party as an Italian island. I said to him ‘Don’t be Sicily’.

    #23806
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    I just love the old British traditions…

    Like giving up eating pancakes for a whole year after Shrove Tuesday.

    #23807
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    What is 12 inches long and never gets used?

    Leonardo DiCaprio’s Oscar acceptance speech.

    #23808
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    I left school 40 years ago, but the school bully still takes my dinner money…

    because he cooks a really good burger!

    #23809
    Phil McCheddar
    Participant

    Do Americanisms lose something when you use them in the UK? Well, that’s the £628,962.89 question.

    I refuse to enter that standing on one leg competition. Sorry, but I’ve got to put my foot down.

    I told my doctor that my hands hurt too much to do the washing up, so he prescribed me some dishwasher tablets.

    The hotel industry does seem to rather over-estimate the prevalence of twins.

    Ask not what your country can do for you; ask what those little stalky things on giraffes’ heads are for.

    What is the point in greeting someone after you’ve already started talking to them, I mean… hello?!

    #23811
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    I answered the phone and all I could hear was somebody sneezing.

    It must have been one of those cold callers.

    #23812
    Champagne
    Participant

    A truck driver was driving along on a country road. A sign came up that read ” Low Bridge Ahead.”
    Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it.
    Cars were backed up for miles. Finally, a police car arrived.
    The policeman got out of his car and walked to the truck’s cab and said to the driver, “Got stuck, hey?”
    The truck driver said, “No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of diesel!”

    #23813
    :TheWeeLady:
    Participant

    As a child, I was a big fan of nonsense jokes. This one could have me in tears, rolling on the floor with laughter, although most other people just can’t figure out why I found it so funny:

    Q- What’s the difference between a duck?
    A- One of its legs is both the same!

    I’m giggling even as I type. As my dear old Gran used to say, there are wiser trying to get out!

    #23814
    Phil McCheddar
    Participant

    I asked the doctor how my wife was after her operation.
    He said, “I’m sorry to say she’s critical.”
    I replied, “Oh, you get used to that.”
    _____________________________________

    My mate dared me to do my tortoise impression in public.
    I decided to give it a go and stick my neck out.
    _____________________________________

    I got talking to a woman in a pub last night.
    “How come you’re only drinking orange juice?” I asked.
    “I’m pregnant,” she replied.
    “Ah, I thought you were because your belly is sticking right out,” I smiled. “But I didn’t want to ask in case you were just fat! How far gone are you?”
    “2 weeks,” she said.

    #23815
    Anonymous
    Inactive
    #23816
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    My Italian American mate told me he was going to play the “Don” in a local theatre play. I was impressed until his brother said he had also got a part and he was going to be the “key” part of the same donkey.

    #23817
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of OAPs when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.

    She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After about fifteen minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.

    When she is about to hand him another batch he asks her:

    ‘Why don’t you eat the peanuts yourself?’

    ‘We can’t chew them because we’ve no teeth,’ she replies. ‘We just love the chocolate around them.’

    #23818
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Paul McCartney has joined a campaign to get the freedom of a captive elephant.

    The old, grey, dishevelled beast is said to be in serious need of tender loving care.

    And so is the elephant.

    #23819
    Di
    Participant

    I tried to catch some fog. I mist.
    When chemists die they barium.
    PMS jokes aren’t funny. Period.
    Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
    A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
    Class trip to Coca Cola factory. Hope there’s no pop quiz.
    I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
    Energiser bunny arrested- charged with battery.
    How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
    I didn’t like my beard at first then it grew on me.
    I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
    How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
    What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
    When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.
    What does a clock do when it’s hungry? I goes back four seconds.
    They told me I had type A blood but it was a Type O.
    A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
    I wondered why the football was getting bigger, then it hit me.
    Broken pencils are pointless.

    #23820
    Di
    Participant

    Someone keeps sneaking into my allotment and spreading topsoil on the ground. The plot thickens!

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